First In, Last Out, Laughing Loudest: A Picture of Godly Headship

For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.  
 
King Lune of Archenland, The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis ¹

I believe that building a household is one of the most important things a Christian can do.

It is good to get married, have children, and raise those children in righteousness. I discussed this in depth in my last article . This normal pattern of life is one of the most effective ways to make disciples and affect the culture. In order to be successful, however, the household needs a godly head–a role which God has assigned to the husband.

As a young man, this is a responsibility that weighs heavily on me.

God willing, I will one day be married with children. God will give me the responsibility of providing for, protecting, and leading my people. And one day I will have to stand before the throne of the Almighty and answer for the decisions I make on behalf of my family.

We know from the parable of the talents that God expects us to turn a profit on that which he gives us (Matthew 14:25-30). If God gives a man a household, it is not enough to do the bare minimum. A man may work to provide, but if he isn’t actively leading his family when he is home, he isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities; he is burying his talent. A man who takes his family to church on Sunday but fails to live out his faith at home is setting a poor example for his children. He isn’t making disciples; he is burying his talent.

James tells us that those who teach are held to higher standards (James 3:1). This principle applies to husbands, who are called to be the spiritual leaders of their families. It is no small thing to have a wife and children under your authority. To be the head of household is to have image bearers of God placed in your care. God has made those people your responsibility, and He expects you to use your position to honor Him.

How do we do that?

The above quote from King Lune provides an answer to this question; but before we look at that, we must understand what headship is.

Headship

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.  
 
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  
 
Ephesians 5:22-33

Headship Is Masculine

Headship is a masculine duty. Men are to rule the household and wives are to submit to his rulership. This is made clear in the above passage, but we see it all throughout scripture:

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.  
 
1 Corinthians 11:3

I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.  
 
 1 Timothy 2:12-13

Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.  
 
Titus 2:2-5

As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.  
 
1 Corinthians 14:33-35

But men aren’t rulers simply because a few Bible verses say so. It isn’t the case that men and women are exactly the same and God arbitrarily decided that the guys get the authority. Despite what our egalitarian culture will have you believe, men and women are fundamentally different, and masculine leadership is rooted in creation.

Both men and women were made in the image of God, and both men and women have authority over creation (Genesis 1:27-30). The dominion mandate (“Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”) was given to both sexes, but their roles in carrying out this task is very different.

Man was created first. God placed him in the garden to “work and keep it” (Genesis 2:15). The Hebrew word for “keep” could also be translated as “guard.” So men are given their role of working and protecting at creation. This role is restated after the fall in Genesis 3:17-19.

During creation, God repeatedly declares that what He makes is “good.” After creating Adam, however, He says that it is “not good” that man was alone. So Eve was created to be his “helper” (Genesis 2:18). Woman was created with the primary purpose of aiding a man in his mission.

Notice that Paul later uses the creation order to justify male rule: “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband…For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” (1 Corinthians 11:3, 8-9)

Because male headship is rooted in creation, men will be rulers whether they like it or not. One example of this is seen in Genesis after the fall; Adam abdicated his position of leadership and listened to his wife in the fall (Genesis 3:6). Afterward, God still holds Adam responsible even though it was Eve that sinned first (Genesis 3:9, 17)

Men will be the heads of their households. We are designed for leadership. This is reflected in our larger and stronger bodies, the way we think, the way we handle stress, the way we think about work, the way we relate to other men, and in every other aspect of our being. It is reflected in the creation order of men and women and throughout the whole of scripture.

The Patriarchy was ordained by God. Men don’t choose whether or not to rule. Our only options are godly male headship and ungodly male headship.

What does it mean to be the head?

Many discussions of headship minimize the authority that a man has in his household. It is often reduced to casting a tiebreaker vote in the case of a disagreement. But the role of the head is one of real authority.

A man cannot lead without the power to make decisions. If women are told to submit to their husbands, that implies that there will be times when they must yield to their husbands authority even when they disagree with him. A wise husband will certainly listen to his wife, and I believe that she is his most valuable source of advice, but the final call in every decision ultimately falls on the man.

The man should be making his decisions in line with his mission and vision for his family. A good head is not aimless; he is trying to achieve something and knows where he is taking his family.

When Adam was given dominion over the earth, he was told to take what God has given to mankind and make something out of it. We men must have a mission. We must have a vision for our life.

We cannot lead if we don’t know where we are going, and a woman cannot fulfill her role as helper if you aren’t doing anything.

How are you going to provide for your family? How will you raise your children? What will you do to instruct them in righteousness? What do you want your family culture to be like? How will your family serve your church? The head of the household should be able to answer these questions, help those under him to see his vision for the home, and direct them in carrying it out.

And perhaps the most important aspect of being the head: you are responsible for the entire body. You are responsible for their safety and provision, as well as their physical and emotional well being, their spiritual development, and sometimes even their sin. Remember that when Eve sinned, God confronted Adam. This was because Adam was responsible for leading his wife, teaching her to obey God, and protecting her from the serpent. He failed to do this, and God held him accountable for that.

As the head of a household, your wife and children are your people. You are responsible for them, and that is a charge we must take very seriously. God has given you authority over your family, but you will have to answer for how you utilized it.

So how do we exercise Godly headship?

First In, Last Out

For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat.

Every man should take the words of King Lune to heart. To be a man is to do the difficult work and bear burdens with strength. Godly, masculine men do not hide from responsibility or take the easy way out.

Within the context of a marriage, this means taking burdens upon yourself before you let them fall onto your family, and bearing them the longest. You ensure the safety, security, and well being of your family before you ensure your own.

This means that when there is a sound in the middle of the night, you grab the gun, tell your wife to stay put, and go check it out. You don’t send your wife downstairs and hide under the blanket.

This means that, after a long day of work, you don’t come home, kick back, and expect your family to serve you. Instead, you come home prepared to do more work. You come home and ease the burdens of your wife. You play with, discipline, and teach your children. You give your wife the attention she needs.

You are the protector of your family, and that means giving yourself up, as Christ gave Himself up for His church (Ephesians 5:25).

This is not only limited to physical protection. Most men will never have to put their own life at risk to protect their family from someone trying to do them harm (praise God), so we would be letting men off the hook if we said that the responsibility ended there. You are also the emotional protector of the family.

As a man, you should not be dumping all of your fears and anxieties on your wife. You can speak to her about these things of course, but do not be what Doug Wilson would call “an emotional needy bucket.”²

Your role as the man is to ease the fears and anxieties of your wife, not add to them. Regularly venting to your wife is unlikely to calm your own nerves; it’s just going to stress her out. Additionally, it isn’t good for your children if they see their father–their source of security–in constant distress.

The phrase “man up” can be used to beat down men with genuine issues, but it is true that men often need to man up. Your family needs a strong head. Be a rock that your family can rely on. Don’t come home full of complaints. Don’t come home and pour out your emotional turmoil onto your wife. That’s gay.

If you want to be a protector for your family, you must be prepared to bear your burdens as well as the burdens of your family with strength and joy. Your family needs to know that they can rely upon you; that they are safe and secure under your care.

Gravitas

To effectively project this strength, a man needs gravitas.

Gravitas is a Latin word that literally means “heavy.” It was a Roman virtue that referred to a man’s seriousness or dignity. To have gravitas is to have a weighty presence. As Joe Rigney says in his book Leadership and Emotional Sabotage:

“[Gravitas is] the dignity and honor and stability that pulls people into your orbit, like a sun that orients the planets by its mass. It comes partly from a man’s skill and competence, partly from his sober-mindedness and confidence, but ultimately from his fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord gives weight to a man’s soul, making him firm and stable and steadfast, not tossed to and fro by winds of doctrine or the passions of the flesh.”³

A man with gravitas projects authority and wisdom. His family feels secure under him. They know that he has a mission and will lead them accordingly. His presence can be felt in the household. A man with gravitas can give instruction and rebuke, and people will take it seriously. In addition, he is not a fragile man, and so he is capable of receiving instruction and rebuke.

Gravitas must be earned, and there are a few ways to do so.

As Rigney says, it partially comes from skill and competence. You should be a skilled man. You should do well at your job. You should be able to effectively do tasks around the home. You should be able to help your family get things done. You don’t need to be a master of everything you attempt, but if you always need someone to hold your hand, you don’t have gravitas.

It also comes from sober-mindedness and confidence. As discussed above, you must rule over your emotions. To be sober-minded is to resist the influence of your passions and the passions of those in your household. You must think with clarity, be self-controlled, and when you act, you must do so with purpose.

This pairs well with confidence. Your family will not feel secure under your leadership if you yourself are insecure. So project confidence and show your family that you know what you are doing. This is easier if, as mentioned above, you really are a skilled man.

Gravitas also requires knowledge. You should be a thinking man. Knowledge and intelligence will help you grow in wisdom and aid in sanctification. A man with knowledge knows how to act in various situations, which allows him to act with confidence.

In addition, knowledge–or at the very least, the ability to gain knowledge–is a requirement for being a husband. Paul tells women, “If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home” (1 Corinthians 14:35). Implied in this statement is that men should know their theology. When a wife has a question about something the pastor mentioned in his sermon, the husband should be able to answer it.

Of course men cannot be expected to know everything, but when a wife has a question that the man cannot answer, he should be intelligent enough to find an answer. It is for this reason that I would tell women seeking husbands to look for a man who is a reader. If a man hasn’t touched a book in years, it is a good sign that he doesn’t know much.

Men should be interested in the world around them. They should be hungry for knowledge. They should have a deep desire to know God, know about God, and know His creation.

In a recent video, Matt Walsh said that one of the best questions to ask a man on a first date is, “What historical periods are you interested in?” This is because a sufficiently intelligent man will have at least some interest in the world around him–and he will probably be excited to talk about it. A man who has no answer, Walsh says, is likely a “boring midwit with a shallow, incurious mind.”

All of this to say that knowledge and curiosity are important aspects of being a competent man. A stupid man has no gravitas.

While all of these things are important, Rigney states that the most important source of gravitas is the fear of the Lord, which “gives weight to a man’s soul, making him firm and stable and steadfast, not tossed to and fro by winds of doctrine or the passions of the flesh.”

If you want gravitas, fear the Lord. Serve Him and seek his Glory. If you do this and regularly practice Godly virtue, the competence, the confidence, the knowledge, and the gravitas will follow.⁴

Laughing Loudest

…and when there’s hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.

When it comes to gravitas and gladness, there are two ditches that one can fall into.

One ditch is to become a self-serious man. A man with gravitas is a serious, weighty man. He doesn’t take serious situations lightly. In seeking to project gravitas, a man can take himself too seriously. This man can never laugh at anything–especially himself.

Often this is the result of pride or insecurity. A man with little gravitas wants to be taken seriously, so he carries an overly serious demeanor. But it is fake, and it is difficult for people to take an overly serious person seriously.

In the other ditch is the man who makes light of everything. This man is afraid of weighty subjects, so everything turns into a joke. Obviously no one can take this man seriously and he is unable to project strength or authority.

Balance is necessary. A man who makes light of everything will lack the confidence of his people, and an overly serious man will cause an unhappy household. So while a good head will be grave when necessary, he will not forget that gladness is an important part of life. As King Lune says, a good king laughs louder than everyone else in times of hardship.

Cultivate Joy

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  
 
Ephesians 6:4

It is the father’s responsibility to cultivate an atmosphere of joy rather than anger. The word for discipline in this verse is paideia, which refers to the whole education of children. It is the knowledge, worldview, values, and beliefs that we impart into the next generation. And as Joe Rigney says, “The paideia of the Lord is a glad and glorious thing. It is not dour or sullen or anxious or frustrated. It is life and joy and gratitude to God for all of His kindness.”⁵

James tells us that we must be joyful through our sufferings because our suffering produces steadfastness (James 1:2-3). As a father, you must model this attitude for your children. We are to live in prayer and thankfulness to God (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Hebrews 12:28). Fathers must model this for their families by regularly giving thanks to God for all things, and living with a thankful attitude. In doing all of this, he should not be afraid to have fun, make jokes, and laugh.

I do not want to minimize the wife’s role in creating a warm environment. As the homemaker, the woman has a massive influence on the emotional state of the home. A happy and hospitable wife will have a contagious attitude. A man’s bad mood can be instantly reversed if he comes home to a wife that is happy to see him. Likewise, a cold wife creates a cold home.

But remember what I have said before: the head is responsible for the body. The wife should do everything in her power to help her husband create a joyful home (she is the helper, after all), but she will struggle greatly to undo the negative effects of a husband that regularly comes home cranky and complaining. A husband, however, can and should be a source of joy that uplifts his entire household.

In this way, the man must be both a thermometer and a thermostat when it comes to the emotional temperature of his household. He should pay attention to his family and know where they are at. As the thermostat, he is not affected by the emotions of his family; rather, he is the one who creates a healthy emotional environment through his actions.

The Perfect Example

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  
 
Ephesians 5:25

Everything I have just described takes a lot of effort. It requires you to deny yourself and give everything you have to your wife and children. It requires us to put to death our selfish instincts.

So why go through all the effort?

Ultimately, our goal as men, husbands, and fathers should be to reflect the perfect example of a man: Jesus Christ. Our true calling is to become like Him. In doing so, we become better men. We grow in sanctification and Godliness and prepare ourselves for eternity.

We must realize that most important ministry we have been given by God is our families. As husbands, we can bring a woman along side us as a helper in our mission. We have someone to protect, provide for, and love as a picture of God’s love for His church. Together with that woman, we can create immortal souls and raise them to love the Lord. As fathers, we can present a picture of the Good Father to the next generation.

This is a glorious calling. It is a very good thing. But it is not easy.

Being a godly man requires a constant fight against our sinful nature. Our natural instinct as corrupted men is to live selfishly and reject hardship, but God requires the opposite of us. None of us can hope to be perfect until we are reunited with Christ in eternity, so it will be a constant struggle to live as I have described, but I hope that it can be a vision that men can strive for.

We live in a culture that hates men and masculinity. Let us reject that culture, reject effeminacy, and embrace masculinity. Let us embrace strength. Let us seek to do the difficult but necessary work. Let us seek Godly, submissive wives and love them as Christ loved the church. Let us fill the Earth with image bearers and raise them in the paideia of the Lord.

And in all that we do, let us do it for the Glory of God.